Special Guest Blogger Reviews a Potato

Super Awesome Best Reviews
potato

by Special Guest Blogger, a Potato

We potatoes and humans really aren’t that different.

Think about it. We both start off safe and cozy in a dark place, without a care in the world, before we’re torn kicking and screaming into the real world by some big ugly jerk. In your case, it was a doctor or nurse. In my case, it was a farmer. A huge, fat farmer who smells like manure. To be honest, I smelled like manure, because he kept pouring it on me. All you humans smell bad, I’m afraid. In fact, you have many flaws I won’t go into, because I don’t want to intimidate you. I have been told that I can intimidate people, but I’ll just resign myself to saying that I smell great. But in order to do that, you’ll have to scrub me and wash me until I’m squeaky clean. Then you can put me in Bubble n’ Squeak.

That’s not my only use, though. I’m like one of those job applicant in the welfare office saying they’ll ‘do anything’. I literally will do anything for you. I’ll be your potato salad. I’ll even be your French fry.

In conclusion, I give the Potato a total score of 45 thumbs up.

But since I’m reviewing myself, I guess there’s a bit of conflict of interest. So I guess I should bring in an outside voice into the equation.

So in regards to potatoes, I guess Marge Simpson really says it all:

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How to make some MEAN baked beans

Doug's Kitchen
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Trinity = the Man – ie, ‘who needs greens when you got beans?’

O, baked beans. The food of kings. Did I say Kings? I meant cowboys. Cowboys who don’t need guns – they can shoot bullets out of their assholes and breathe fire.

Cowboys like Trinity, pictured right: the greatest cowboy in film history. Piss off Clint Eastwood, you whiny bastard, Terrence Hill will always be the the king of cowboy movies. Take a look at the 10 minute introduction to the cinematic masterpiece ‘They Call Me Trinity’:

(And yeah, you don’t have to watch the whole 10 minutes. Just have it playing in the background so you can enjoy the awesome theme music. No that is not the theme music to Django Unchained, it’s the theme music to They Call Me Trinity, which was stolen by a far shittier movie called Django Unchained)

Trinity is a badass. The reason he’s so great is because he spends the whole introduction sleeping on his rickshaw, as if to say, ‘I’m so badass, I don’t need to prove to you how badass I am’, until about nine minutes in when he shows that he’s the greatest gunslinger on God’s Green Earth, mowing down two villains behind him with his revolver in an insanely dexterous manner which defies all logic. In between that you see him eating some very cowboy-like food, possibly baked beans. That could be the reason for his amazing gun skills. He’s not too bad at slapping, too. In fact he really seems to like slapping people. I’d slap anyone who took my beans.

Now that we’re full of beans and campy testosterone, let’s figure out how to cook some mean beans. Because baked beans are a staple breakfast food in the English world, due to their beany goodness. Rich in beans, baked beans use the power of ‘baking’ to bake the

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when yor beans are baked af

beans to perfection, delivering you a final product we call ‘baked beans’. But if you’re like me and always just buy Watties or Oak (don’t buy the Pams or Home Brand, they’re shit), you can kinda get sick of them after a while.

 

So a long time ago (back in the good ol’ days), I started experimenting with adding cumin and chilli powder to baked beans, which spiced things up a little bit. But then I started currying them, by frying up potatoes in a rich blend of spices, then pouring in the beans. Chuck in some flatbreads and the end result is this:

So if you’re keen to do something like this, here’s a little recipe:

DOUGS SUPER AWESOME MEAN LEAN R18 BEANS (adults only)

  • 1 teaspoon Cumin Seeds
  • 2 teaspoons Cumin Powder
  • 1 tablespoon Chia Seeds
  • 3 – 4 Cayenne Peppers, deseeded
  • 1 can of Watties / Oak Baked beans
  • 1 tablespoon of Kale Oil

Directions:

Crush the shit out of the cumin seeds and chia seeds in a mortar and pestle. Chuck it in the pan when the oil is boiling hot. Get to work chopping up the deseeded peppers and chuck them in. Every 30 seconds pour in a tablespoon of baked beans along with a sprinkle of cumin powder. Keep doing this until all the beans are frying away with the cumin. Serve with fresh thyme, rosemary and oregano and your choice of bread.

DOUG’S SUPER INDIAN CURRIED BAKED BEANS

This is where things get intense. I actually made a little video but got sick of recording as it was an extremely hot day and frankly I just wanted to hurry the fuck up and eat the beans. I don’t know how these food vloggers do it. Anyway, the recipe goes something like this:

  • 1 teaspoon of cumin seeds
  • 2 teaspoons of Cumin Powder
  • 3 -4 cayenne peppers, deseeds
  • 3 small kumaras
  • 1 can of watties / oak baked beans
  • 1 teaspoon of turmeric
  • 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
  • 1/4 cup of coconut cream
  • 1 can of watties baked beans
  • 1 teaspoon of Garam Masala
  • 2 tablespoons of Kale Oil

Directions:

Crush the cumin seeds in a mortar and pestle, and chuck it in the pan with the hot oil. Peel the kumaras and heat them up for two minutes in the microwave. Then dice them up and chuck them in the pan.


After a few minutes, chuck in the cumin powder, turmeric and cinnamon. Let fry for a few minutes. Then chuck in the chilli peppers. Cook until all the oil is dried up and the potatoes and chillies have become caked with spices. Then add the baked beans, and let some of the sauce fry off before chucking in the coconut cream. Finally, add the garam masala and turn off the heat.


Serve with coriander and rotis or other flatbread.

Anyway, here’s some more baked bean meals:

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Baked beans with tahini, parsley, chips, spinach, gluten-free toast and tomato sauce

 

Hash Browns with baked beams, spinach, nutritional yeast and wholegrain toast

 

 

Okay, I didn’t make this. It’s from the awesome cafe Mimosa – check it out! Tofu scramble, kumara bacon, guacamole, mushroom, baked beans and tomatoes

Tofu scramble with baked beans, mushroom, cherry tomatoes, gluten-free toast and ketchup

WELL, IT’S ‘BEAN’ A GOOD BLOG POST! I’LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT TIME! BYE BYE!

Hare Krishna Food Festival, Jan 2017

Doug's World

What’s for dinner? Who’s asking? Am I asking myself? Does anybody really care? Are you truly, actually interested in what I had for dinner? If so I’m flattered! Well, I’d be more flattered if it was my own cooking, and then you’d be like ‘wow, you’re such a good cook, Doug, marry me’, and I’d be like ‘well, okay,’ rather than if i’m just taking photos of someone else’s food, and you’re like ‘wow, doug, you pick all the best restaurants, marry me,‘ and I’m like ‘well, okay’ and the rest they say is history.

Introductions aside, I went to Saturday’s Hare Krishna Food Festival in the Kumeu region of Western Auckland. Oh how had I had been neglecting my social life for a week or so in favour of other activities such as watching paint dry and shouting at my curtains. So I thought if im gonna make up for it I might as well socialise over plates full of hare krishna food, because generally im more sociable if im eating or drinking coffee. Or alcohol. Or all three at the same time. The trope goes that when westerners think of Hare Krishna, the following things come to mind:

  1. Cheap Indian Food
  2. That’s it

Well, turns out, a lot of Hare Krishna people like to poke fun at this, and call themselves ‘the kitchen religion’. I haven’t any interest in religion or spirituality, but eating out for cheap is one thing Auckland desperately needs so Hare Krishna helps out with that big time. Check out Mukunda’s on K road. They do a mean vegan curry! BUT THAT”S ANOTHER STORY. (see I used ” instead of ‘ not because of shift key but because so dramatic)

Let’s face it, who doesn’t love food? Aside from people with eatings disorders. Where was I going with this? Oh, okay, turns out there’s a whole bunch of people who don’t like eating. No, they’re not anorexic or bulimic or anything – they simply do not like eatingThere’s stuff you can read on the internet about it. READ IT. But dont stop reading my blog! ill miss you 😦img_6043

For all the rest of us who do like food, Hare Krishna is good cos they do exactly that. The first meal we got was this Asian Tofu Salad, SEE BLOW FOR ASIAN TOFU SALAD – which was pretty boring but it had cashews which made it more interesting. All the cashews gathered at the bottom so the reward for going through the whole thing was a big tasty spoonful of cashews. I can live with that! I could probably live ON cashews too. But I wont. Simply because of the price. Otherwise I would.

 

Asian tofu salad and somebody’s feet. Judging by his feet he must be pretty handsome

After that we noticed one food stall had a perpetually huge line, so with my sheep mentality I flocked towards that line because thats what I do, I just go with what everyone
else is doing. It was a really hot day standing in that line which had to be about a hundred people, so fortunately I had a pina colada. Anyways I got this Masala Dosa with a big range of chutneys.

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I liked the random ‘Yea baby!’ I really need to start including that expression in my vocabulary more often. ‘Time to take out the rubbish. YEAH BABY!’

 

Preparing our Masala Dosa

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOURE ALL OUT OF FUSINO DOSA oh wait I see what you mean

Masala Dosa and four types of chutney, left, Samosas in Tamarind sauce, right, and a cool pair of funky shades belonging to somebody who obviously has a great taste in shades. Whoever he is, he sounds handsome

I also got some vada sambar and a samosa. They gave me an extra samosa, which was cool because I had waited so long, and they also happened to be the best samosas I’ve ever tried. The tamarind sauce was great as well.

Vada Sambar and Samosas! Need a name for that hand, looks like it belongs to a handsome guy. Police! Help! There’s a handsome guy’s hand on my Vada Sambar! Oh wait, never mind, it’s only my hand.

So Im full as and just decided to walk it off and explore for a little bit. The property is really beautiful, but the highlight is the Alpacas!

Even the Alpacas meditate

Now, the Alpaca was fucking awesome, but Overall the Hare Krishna festival… kinda let us down in the end. First, it felt less like a festival and more like just a general food gathering. There were only about 6 food

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Pasta dishes that looked delicious but fortunately were nor vegan pastas. I had a massive pasta craving by this point so FML. Pastapasta

stands, and only one sold all the Indian food we liked, which explains the huge wait time. I mean, when we think of Hare Krishna we think of affordable, mildly flavoured Indian food.But a lot of the food being sold was things like pizza, pasta and noodles. I was expecting lots more music, dancing, face painting and that kinda stuff. But we were all kinda sitting thtere thinking ‘this is it?’

To give them credit, it seems like the first food festival that particular group has organised in that area, so I’m assuming they were very tentative about the whole thing, and will probably to make it a lot more exciting and fun for all next time. My main plea for next time: give the kids something to do aside from playgrounds and bouncy castles (where was the face painting at?) and secondly, more Indian food!

 

 

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Hare Krishna Food Festival, Kumeu, Auckland 28 Jan 2017