Life is Not about answering questions. That’s what university students are for.
University students are also good for filling up my bus when I’m going to work in the morning. Damn kids! When I was your age… oh wait, I am your age. Never mind. The point is, I’m technically not educated, nor am I in the process of being educated, so I have lots of free time to NOT study. However, just like Uni students, i’m always broke and hunching over a mouldy pizza box filled with mouldy ramen while sitting inside a mouldy kitchen knowing how this is contributing to my already catastrophic lecture-induced slouch.
But Ramen is actually the enemy. If you say Ramen backwards, it’s Nemar, which sounds like some atrocious demon of Hades from the Greek underworld. I’ll admit I eat ramen, or just ‘2-minute noodles’ as they’re known on this part of the planet. Unfortunately I always find myself buying a big packet thinking it’s totally gonna boost my productivity because now I’m able to write out another article with my left hand while my right hand is busy reeling up strings of Mi Goreng.
When you’re so busy that you just chuck it in the bowl and smash your head against it, and your head is so painful that you’re not even hungry anymore.
So like uni students, I have to carefully plan and budget my meals, and by carefully budget my meals, I meant to say I don’t budget at all. However, I did think it might put me in the right direction if I can at least try to figure out a few basic questions in life. So in this case, as an action-packed sequel to that loaded question ‘where do you get your protein?’, I respond, ‘I don’t know, how much protein can I buy with 21 New Zealand dollars?’
Well, I went to the shop and bought:
375 grams of chickpeas – 75.8 grams of protein, for 2 dollars,
280 grams of red lentils – 80 grams of protein for $2.70
375 grams of black beans – 80 grams of protein, $3.50
1 kilogram (yeh baby!) of peanut butter – 234 grams of protein, for 6 dollars.
200 grams of canned tomatoes – 2.6 grams of protein for 80 cents,
750 grams of oats – 90 grams of protein, for 2 dollars,
600 grams of wholemeal bead – 64 grams of protein, for 1 dollar,
1 litre of soya milk – 30 grams of protein for 3 bucks.
Altogether, 21 dollars.
Altogether, that makes up to a grand total of 656.4 grams of protein!
So then I did an RDI check and found out that, as a 23 year old male, I need 64 grams of protein a day.
So calculated 656.4 / 64, I discovered that 21 dollars was enough to buy me 10 days worth of protein.
Not bad, considering I get paid 19 bucks an hour! One hour of work is nearly enough to feed me for over a week. I can live with that.
How much protein can YOU buy on YOUR paltry wage? Let me know in the comment section because apparently asking for YOUR opinion at the end of this blog is a good way to boost reader engagement.
Do you like these things? If not, there’s probably something extremely wrong with you. Most likely, you’re a ghost wandering the earth, lost and disoriented because you haven’t made amends with Allah or Buddha or whoever. Go away.
Now, back to living people. If you like those 3 F’s (yes, there is a 4th F but I won’t go into that), then the Vegan Food Fair is the place for YOU
The mighty vegan food fair took place in the city of Auckland, last week. I suppose it is kinda late because it happened on Sunday, but better late than never as they say.
I should start by saying what makes this food fair so great – it is huge! Huge by New Zealand standards. Huge by Donald Trump standards! Are you a sleazy whore with no standards? Then it’s probably still huge.
Standard is an understatement, because this food fair is no STANDARD food fair. In fact, it’s a VEGAN food fair. In fact, I was working the fair at the gates, selling tickets. In fact, when random passers-by came to ask what the commotion was, I proudly declared that this is the biggest food fair of the whole year in NZ, and they were missing out if they didn’t go. In fact, I didn’t even mention that it was vegan. Because, why? It doesn’t matter that it’s vegan, the fact is, the food is delicious, and if you enter the fair you’re a cool cat who I want attack.
That’s a fact.
Well, I might attack you anyway, but that’s beside the point.
The point is, I volunteered at the vegan food fair, and the whole thing was a big blurry haze of eating and working, eating and working. At one point I’m munching on a PYRONI PIE (om nom), at the next point I’m pointing pointy steel barriers and trying not to drop them on little innocent children.
That’s okay, as long as them children are vegan they’ll have the necessary fortitude to withstand dropping big heavy weights on top of them. My job should be hurling things at kids. I suspect it would pay well.
The Vegan Food Fair was not just a food fair. It was also a place of live music, yoga, clothing, health products and more. Except I think if they called it the Vegan Food, Music, Yoga, Clothing and Health Fair, it would sound a bit much. ‘man, I can’t handle that much CONTENT in one day’. ‘Come, there will be food’, is a lot more appetising. Everyone loves food, but many people passionately hate Yoga. I think. ‘Jus’ had a fuckin yoga session, where the fuck is my inner god damn peace? Fuck this shit!’
Besides, if it was called the Vegan Food, Music, Yoga, Clothing and Health Fair, it would be a lot to fit on these snazzy t-shirts we wore.
Not only did the Vegan Food, Music, Yoga, Clothing and Health Fair include vegan food, music, yoga, clothing and health, it also included legendary Australian rapper James Aspey, who sailed here to New Zealand on the back of a crocodile he turned docile with his rugged good looks and charming smile. He calls it his cro-docile.
I didn’t ‘meat’ James Aspey myself, mainly because I hadn’t done any research on him. All I knew was that he was famous, Australian, vegan and an animal rights activist. I wouldn’t know how to start conversation. ‘So, you’re a vegan aye? An Australian vegan yeah? Yeah, haha, guess no shrimps on the barbie for you aye? No kangaroo tacos for you?’ That last one is not a joke, Kangaroo Tacos is an actual thing they do in Australia, not the bacteria-ridden dinner of some Mad Max villain.
The chalk wall by the end of the day
Overall, I’ll give this food fair my rating of 50 thumbs up. The food was delicious, the atmosphere was delicious, and the people were delicious – maybe could’ve done with a bit more salt and paprika, but they were still tender and well cooked. Let’s hope we get another food fair come 2018!!!! Until then, let’s get wasted!
The volunteer crew! That’s me in the centre with the tartan and red and orange undershirts, looking like a weird mix between the drunken Scotsman that I am and the Latino Gangster that I aspire to be. Veganism FTW! Photo courtesy Daniel Ariyani, the awesome dude who helped organise this wicked event
Blogging is a wonderful experience. Unless you’re blogging on an 8 year old iMac – in which case, blogging is a terrible, traumatic nightmare.
But I persevere. I do it for YOU GUYS, the adoring fan(s) of my blog, you are the reason I do this! I think about you guys all the time, especially when I’m alone in my room at night!
Anyway, before I say things I can’t take back, I wanted to ask you an extremely important question – one which will change the way you see the world forever. I want you to dwell on this question for a long time, and seriously consider it and how it relates to your life. That question is this:
Have you ever wanted to cook a Greek spaghetti?
Think about it for a second. You probably have never wanted to cook a Greek spaghetti, and for obvious reasons. First, I didn’t even realise Greece made spaghetti. If they did, Italy would invade. But then again, we think wine is Italian, but it was actually invented by the Greeks. I wonder what else was invented by the Greeks. Greek Yoghurt? Sure. Greek Burgers? Say what? I once watched Tim & Eric awesome show, which told me that the Romans invented wine, specifically for orgies, and I actually believed them. I honestly believed a factual statement presented by this show:
Good show. Anyway its ironic I’m talking about wine, cos i happen to be drinking wine. Well, it’s not ironic, probably considering I’ve been drinking wine which has been the source of my intention to discuss wine. That’s basically how us fancy wine connoisseur people work – we basically do two things with our lives:
talking about drinking wine
thinking about drinking wine
Let’s talk about wine. In this case I’ve got two wines – the one I’m drinking is on the left – it’s from Italy (or is Italian people call it, Italia). It is a sparkly red wine – i didn’t even know sparkly red wines existed, but hey, you learn something new about wines every day. Especially if you’re always around a wine connoisseur. My cousin is a wine connoisseur. You should follow him on instagram – https://www.instagram.com/robbiecharge/
The portrait of alcoholism, and it’s not even a portrait
No they’re not paying me to say this (although they should). I just happen to think they food in this book is really really really really really really awesome. Try it! Oh, and dont forget to put some basil leaves on top in order to fancy the fuck out of it. And don’t forget to give me your money!
Okay, I was actually gonna share the recipe but Scannable somehow managed to lose it. Don’t download Scannable – it doesn’t work. And it sucks. Mainly because it doesn’t work.
I didn’t always have a turtleneck addiction. Sure, I like the way they feel. But that’s not why I wear them. I wear them because I bloody well need to wear them. For protection. Protection from whom? Yeap, you guess it – Vegans.
Vegans are actually vampires – they suck blood. That’s the only way they get their Iron – mooching off hard-working, iron-blooded meat eaters such as myself, like some sort of dole-bludger cashing his latest welfare cheque. I remember sleeping with this vegan lady, I woke up with bite marks, and later found out she had turned into a bat and flown out of the window.
I didn’t tell my wife – as if she’d believe me. Instead, I made a pact to myself to kill every bat I see. I’ve actually begun eating bats. In hopes that one of them is her. I go into caves with my assault rifle, mow them down, gather them up and cook them in a stew.
But raising a vampire army is only the very beginning of the unacceptable behaviors adopted by these high-and-mighty freedom fighters. So I’ve composed a list of all the things vegans need to stop doing instantly before their crazy cult destroys us all.
My so-called “Mum” eating vegan food. What a joke!
What actually is a vegan? I don’t even know, and I’m pretty sure they don’t know either. All I know is that they don’t eat meat. And the only people I know who don’t eat meat are turtles. And you know where turtles belong? On islands. I heard stories that vegans don’t have jobs because it’s against their religion. Sounds dodgy to me. Whatever veganism is, people need to stop being vegan.
I tried being vegan once, but look at the disastrous results. Never again am I touching that diet. Look at my journey:
There you have it, the harrowing story of my battle with veganism. But there’s plenty of more people like me out there. Possibly you? Don’t let those vegans fool you with their tricks.
Telling me how to live my life
Me showing off my canines
The other day I was enjoying my favourite dish – bacon, chicken and lamb burger with fish sauce and beef bun (cut from meatloaf) when this vegan walks past.
I politely ask him where the fuck he gets his protein, and it seems like that’s the queue for him to start shoving all this bullshit down my throat about beans, rice, and all this other shit I’ve never heard of. What a jerk. Why the hell won’t he leave me alone?
The things vegans need to understand is that everyone hates them. Even vegans hate vegans. Everyone is talking about them behind their backs. Especially me. Mostly me. I talk about them so much that it basically makes up for everyone. In a way, I am everybody, because I represent the views of the silent majority fed up with all this vegan nonsense.
Asking for vegans options
Look at all the effort these poor restaurantiers had to go through to cater to these ‘vegans’. Looks like a bunch of grass to me.
Vegans need to realise that when you enter a restaurant or other food dispensing business, you are participating in a social activity, and nothing creates a horrible, awkward situation like someone asking for vegan options.
Do you realise what happens when you go up and ask for a vegan option? Do you know how uncomfortable that makes everybody? Bet you didn’t think about that. Here’s this poor cashier probably working 90 hours a week for less than minimum wage because all of our jobs have been stolen by Mexico and hard-working yet dishonest Phillipines people and now this crazy vegan comes up and starts picking fights. I hear the things vegans say. They say stuff like:
Give me vegan options or i’ll shoot you with my gun. *pulls out gun*
Give me vegan options or i’ll blow up this restaurant with this bomb. *pulls out bomb*
Give me vegan options or i’ll blow up this entire city with this long range stealth-equipped nuclear missile. *pulls out long-range stealth equipped nuclear missile*
When will the madness end? How far is too far for these vegans?
In my opinion, this is not good enough. My Dad fought in World War 1, World War 2 and Vietnam in order to keep this country safe from crazy Mexicans like vegans. I don’t even feel like I live in this country anymore. And it’s a shame. Especially when vegans are constantly…
Stealing my food
Here I was just enjoying my favourite duck, turtle and elephant soup with gorilla tongue, when this vegan picks it up and runs away with it! The truth is he can’t resist the temptation to steal. A study showed that most vegans are actually thieves.
I politely ask him to return my burger but he just pulls out his Ghost Pepper Spray and sprays my face.
Fortunately since I eat meat, I’m immune to the blinding effects, so I begin to chase him around the building. I tackle him to the ground and end up choking him around the neck. 20 minutes later, the doctor is wheeling him away and says some bullshit about him being “deceased,” like I fucking know what the word means. and now I’m the bad guy. I can’t even tell you, politically correct nonsense like this happens all the time, if you let them. So I learned my lesson not to be polite with these guys, or they’ll steal your food and your freedom. Speaking of freedom, the thing that vegans really need to stop doing is…
Commies are everywhere. You gotta keep an eye out at all times.
We can all agree basically that vegans are communists. Possibly nazi communists.
Did you know hitler was a vegetarian? Apparently vegans are atheists, and atheists worship Stalin.
Makes sense, I guess. Hannibal Lecter was a vegan, aside from eating humans. And he kinda looked like a Nazi. Coincidence? I think not. Speaking of eating people, I really wish vegans would stop…
Stu Stew, anyone? How about some Barry Burritos or Bernie Burgers?
I can’t stress this one lesson enough with vegans, who just don’t seem to realise: Peopleare people too. Just because they’re not animals, therefore not technically “animal protein”, doesn’t mean you can go around eating them.
Because believe me, they do. How do I know? Well, if they don’t eat animals, then where do you think they get their protein? That’s right, your Uncle Phil, the Joneseses down the road and that cute assistant at work you’ve been gathering up the courage to ask out on a date. That’s right. Vegans ate them all. I’m pretty sure a vegan is eating me right now. Something is chewing on my toe. It’s either a spider or a vegan. Either way I’m getting my gun.
I hate all things spiritual. I don’t have a spirit, nor do I want one. I hate it when people are in ‘high spirits’, I’m like, take your spirits somewhere else. The only spirit I like is that found in a 1 litre bottle that I purchase for 40 bucks at a shop owned by Korean people.
To be perfectly honest, there’s no room for spirituality in the 21st century. I catch the cold, pee soaked train at 5 o clock in the morning and it takes me 2 hours to get to work at my terrible job. And you know what? I love it. Sometimes I pee in the train just to keep the smell alive. I’m bloody proud of it.
The last thing I need is some bloody spiritual loony lefty telling me how I can change my life. I don’t need to change. The whole worlds needs to change to my liking. Everybody is stupid and crazy except for me – the only sane person in the entire world. That’s why I write all these powerful opinion pieces. Because I’m the voice of reason in a world of madness, exposing all the horrible things vegans do, like…
Wearing Candy Canes as Earrings
I’m not just saying this because it’s against my religion, but I find the whole practice of wearing candy canes as earrings to be utterly disgusting.
First of all, God created candy canes to be eaten, not worn. I say the same thing about edible underwear, but did she listen? No. The truth is, what is the world coming to when the things we like to eat are instead found on people’s ears? What I do with my dog and my peanut butter is my business, but when you start walking down the street, or going to clubs wearing candy canes as earrings, what are people going to do? Do you expect a girl to go up to you and eat your candy cane earrings off? Since when has a girl ever offered to nibble on a guy’s ear?
Not under my watch, anyway. I’ll have none of that nonsense. If my so-called “wife” did that to me, I’d kung-fu chop her face in half. All this candy cane communist hippie lunacy needs to go.
Finally, here’s the last thing vegans need to stop doing:
Blowing up Hospitals
Did you ever watch the film The Dark Knight? Based on a true story, the hero of the film is a smooth talking guy called The Joker, whom, incidentally, ends up blowing up a hospital.
Well, I have some news for you – Joker was a vegan. All the signs point to this obvious truth. For example, did you ever actually see Joker eat meat?
And ever wondered why his face is so pale and his lips are so red? That’s because of dreaded iron deficiency caused by lack of steak, which is the worlds’ only source of iron. His hair is green because that’s what happens when you eat too many vegetables. And he bites his lip because he’s so hungry for the meat forbidden by his religion of veganism. What a jerk!
However, there is one thing I have in common with The Joker – his insatiable desire to kill bats. I can finally relate to him. On that note, I’m going to get my grenades and go bat-hunting.
We potatoes and humans really aren’t that different.
Think about it. We both start off safe and cozy in a dark place, without a care in the world, before we’re torn kicking and screaming into the real world by some big ugly jerk. In your case, it was a doctor or nurse. In my case, it was a farmer. A huge, fat farmer who smells like manure. To be honest, I smelled like manure, because he kept pouring it on me. All you humans smell bad, I’m afraid. In fact, you have many flaws I won’t go into, because I don’t want to intimidate you. I have been told that I can intimidate people, but I’ll just resign myself to saying that I smell great. But in order to do that, you’ll have to scrub me and wash me until I’m squeaky clean. Then you can put me in Bubble n’ Squeak.
That’s not my only use, though. I’m like one of those job applicant in the welfare office saying they’ll ‘do anything’. I literally will do anything for you. I’ll be your potato salad. I’ll even be your French fry.
In conclusion, I give the Potato a total score of 45 thumbs up.
But since I’m reviewing myself, I guess there’s a bit of conflict of interest. So I guess I should bring in an outside voice into the equation.
So in regards to potatoes, I guess Marge Simpson really says it all:
OMGOMGOMG this post took so long to produce. Like, over a week! I went to the festival on the 11th, and I’m only posting it now. Partially because I’m lazy and procrastinating, but largely because of what a nightmare it is trying to upload a simple two minute video whilst still being a cheapskate and not paying for a premium service. I don’t think uploading videos should be classified as premium, because like, i’m only given 15 gigs or something. If I wanna use it all up on videos, that’s my choice. Anyway, most people don’t upload videos directly to wordpress anyway. They upload to Youtube (for free) and just embed it onto wordpress. No money paid and no data used. Well, it’s not really embedding. It’s so easy, you just paste your Youtube link onto wordpress and the whole video appears, perfectly formatted. Which begs two very interesting questions:
Why is it easier to share Youtube videos to WordPress than it is to share videos to Blogger, which is also a Google service? You’d think they’d work better together, wouldn’t they?
If WordPress wants people paying to upload videos, why are they making it so damn easy to circumvent WordPress and go straight to Youtube?
Well they don’t tell me how to run my business so I won’t tell them how to run theirs. In fact, maybe they should tell me how to run my business. WordPress team, if you’re reading, please leave some comments. I like comments.
So what happened is I tried converting the video file to something that would be recognised as an image, but that didn’t work out. So I then decided to upload the video to Youtube. However, I thought I’d create my own Kale Oil account, which I did, except somebody had taken the email@example.com address. Seriously? I thought I was the only one. Maybe my fiendish competitors are plotting tricks again. So I decided to create an Outlook account and use THAT on my new Google account. So two accounts created. But when I went to upload a video, it told me I needed to verify my account. Fine, so I checked my outlook, but no message was there. It was definitely the right address. So I clicked ‘didn’t receive notification’, which just takes you to a list of knowledge articles, none of which actually relate to confirmation e-mails. So basically, I’m f***ed. In the end, I just uploaded it to my regular Youtube account and pray (to all of the Gods, just to be safe), that I’ll receive my e-mail and can start using my Kale Oil Youtube account! Woohoo! That’s something to look forward to!
But anyway, let’s change the subject. We’re here to talk about the Lantern Festival, not my complaints about WordPress and Google. I’m pretty sure that most people who come to this blog do not come to read about the perils of social media. But if you do, thanks. I’ll include it more often.
But yes, the lantern festival: Auckland’s 4-day Bonzai Bonanza featuring all the tropes of East-Asian culture: yummy food, ethnic music, delicious food, dancing, tasty food, martial arts, om-nom-nommy food, traditional costumes and om nom nom nom. It’s the East-Asian equivalent to the Diwali festival which happened sometime last year – but this is a bit more ambitious in scale and size and dimensions. On the first day of the lantern festival, there is no food or performances, only the lanterns and other lights. So people kinda showed up and were a bit disappointed. But after that the festival went full swing and it was a rockin’ good time.
I took all these photos but they’re not the best quality. Either I need to get a new phone or I need to start bringing my DSLR to these events and risk some asshole colliding headfirst into my lenses. I decided to pretty everything up by putting it in these cool thumbnail tile thingies. So cool! Blogger doesn’t have this. I’ve even put little captions in, only if you’re brave enough to put your cursor over them.
I wish I could’ve taken more snaps of food. But unfortunately I ate before going to the event. I got off the bus at Britomart, walked up Quay St, see Z Petrol Station, think ‘mmm… Vegan Mexican Pie’, eat Vegan Mexican pie, go up beach read, see another Z petrol station, think ‘mmm.. Vegan mexican pie’, eat Vegan mexican pie, then go the festival. Anyway, here are yer damn photos.
Foody Foody Food Food
Yuan Dao Vegetarian
Coreano – Korean / Mexican fusion food. Vegan taco!
Chaiwalla do some very interesting teas that I’ve never heard of before.
‘Occasionally’ – a vegan’s favourite word.
Lalele! Totally the best vegan paddle pops out there.
This is a Lalele salted double chocolate icecream, dipped in chocolate sauce and coated in almond and coconut. To be honest it reminds me of the Choc Bar, which I can’t eat anymore. Thanks Lalele for making me feel so nostalgic!
More tasty vegetarian starchy street-style food. Reminds me of Beijing!
Tian Yuan is a popular vegetarian food stall
Akemi’s Gyoza, Japanese style dumplings
Vegan miso and shitake dumplings
Lanterns and Stuff
Oh, and here’s my video of some wicked martial arts that I took so long to upload. Enjoy, and haw-haw WordPress! Another day goes by where I evade the temptation to upgrade to a premium account! I live to fight another day!
Well, it depends on who you ask. But since you’re on my blog, you’re asking me. You may have intentionally asked me, or you may have just clicked into this link hoping to get somebody, anybody’s opinion, and you get mine. Bad luck. We don’t always get dealt the best hands. We can start out in life in the rose gardens and end up in the ditch. Life is a bitch, and you’re a snitch. I don’t know what that means but it rhymes. Thanks, Bob Dylan.
But we’re here to discuss vegan dips. In New Zealand. And specifically, which one is The Best, and why. What makes a bloody good kiwi dip? Creamy? Hearty? Dipping Ability? After all, you don’t want a dip so viscous that you slip your chip into the dip, and break that chip on its way out. A good dip should be accommodating, not thick and clingy: you’re the one eating the chip, not the dip. And you don’t want your relationship with the tip and chip to be like a tense three way love triangle with you assuming the girl, the chip is your boyfriend and the dip is his jealous ex. If you’re wondering what I’m talking about, I guess I’m really saying you shouldn’t have sex with your dip. Dip is good for many things – eating, for example. You could probably paint your walls with dip. Heck, you could use it as a lubricant. But there’s a big difference between having sex ‘with’ (alongside) the dip, and having sex with the dip. The difference is yours to make.
Going on a bit of a tangent, here, so let me get back on subject. So the three dips we have here are the from The Good Taste Company, who released the ‘Good From Scratch’ vegan dips in a marketing campaign with celebrity kiwi chef Michael Van De Elzen, famous for his ‘hit and miss’ approach of either making incredibly delicious food, or incredibly hated food. (Okay, I wanted to include a link. I can’t find that one scene from ‘The Food Truck’ where everyone is spitting out his food. But it exists, damn it!)
He’s a nice guy though, and he’s passionate about healthy food, so he gets points.
The range of dips is hit and miss too! So let’s go through each one of them and see what they have to say for themselves.
DIP 1: BLACK BEAN AND BEETROOT DIP
You’ll either love this dip or hate it. I didn’t like it the first time, but quickly grew to love it. It’s an acquired taste, I guess. I like it because it really does have that hearty black bean and beetroot flavour. It tastes genuine, like a homemade hummus. It’s really thick however so it goes great with thick cut potato chips and a beer. Or five.
DIP 2: SPICED LENTIL AND CARROT DIP
There’s not too much great to say about this dip. It’s far too salty, basically tastes like an amateur lentil curry at a Hare Krishna restaurant. It might go better with some dosas or idlis rather than my potato chips. Pass.
DIP 3: SMOKEY WHITE BEAN AND GARLIC DIP
This is the more popular of the dips. I guess because it’s the only one of the three that actually tastes like a traditional kiwi dip. It’s got that creamy, sour oniony flavour that I miss so much.
However, it’s just a bit too rich for me, and they went a bit overboard on the artificial smoke flavour. I wish they did what they did with Turkish Kitchen Manuka Smoked Garlic Hummus, and actually smoked that damn thing. It tastes so much more authentic:
The greatest hummus ever.
So in conclusion, the black bean and beetroot wins! That’s what it’s on the featured image, too. Because it’s the best dip ever!
However, many dips remain out there, some discovered, some undiscovered, some that everyone loves yet I don’t know about. So let’s take a look at some of the dips that you might be interested to try:
Well, there you go folks! In this blog post I said the word ‘dip’ exactly 43 times. So well done to you as much as it is to me. Do you have any great vegan dips? If so, I’d love for you to share them! Leave a comment below and follow!
Put down that soup, from a brand called Campbell’s,
Before your put your health in shambles.
I’m not asking you to give me a famble,
Simply to try my tofu scramble.
Cook enough for 10, make your servings ample,
give your friends and family a sample.
And let is be a fine example,
Of how ye don’t need eggs if ye hath tofu scramble.
I hope this preamble has made a fine ensemble,
To this terrific tofu… scremble?
Ye Olde As Recipe:
450 grams of soft or silken tofu
1 /2 sliced yellow onion
1 tablespoon of canola oil
1/2 teaspoon of marmite
1 teaspoon of salt
3 tablespoons nutritional yeast
1/4 teaspoon of turmeric powder
A handful of curly-leaf parsley
Dash of lemon juice
Dash of black pepper
Let the marmite and oil heat in the pan. Add the sliced onion once hot. Press the tofu so it’s reasonably dry, but you don’t have to worry too much. Chuck the tofu in and use your spatula to scramble it up. Add the turmeric while you mash. After it’s fully mashed, add the nutritional yeast and salt. Mash it all up until it looks like scrambled tofu. Add more yeast or turmeric to your desires. Let it sizzle the rest of the liquid away.
Have as you would have scrambled eggs, but add parsley and a bit of lemon juice to the top for a kick.
Trinity = the Man – ie, ‘who needs greens when you got beans?’
O, baked beans. The food of kings. Did I say Kings? I meant cowboys. Cowboys who don’t need guns – they can shoot bullets out of their assholes and breathe fire.
Cowboys like Trinity, pictured right: the greatest cowboy in film history. Piss off Clint Eastwood, you whiny bastard, Terrence Hill will always be the the king of cowboy movies. Take a look at the 10 minute introduction to the cinematic masterpiece ‘They Call Me Trinity’:
(And yeah, you don’t have to watch the whole 10 minutes. Just have it playing in the background so you can enjoy the awesome theme music. No that is not the theme music to Django Unchained, it’s the theme music to They Call Me Trinity, which was stolen by a far shittier movie called Django Unchained)
Trinity is a badass. The reason he’s so great is because he spends the whole introduction sleeping on his rickshaw, as if to say, ‘I’m so badass, I don’t need to prove to you how badass I am’, until about nine minutes in when he shows that he’s the greatest gunslinger on God’s Green Earth, mowing down two villains behind him with his revolver in an insanely dexterous manner which defies all logic. In between that you see him eating some very cowboy-like food, possibly baked beans. That could be the reason for his amazing gun skills. He’s not too bad at slapping, too. In fact he really seems to like slapping people. I’d slap anyone who took my beans.
Now that we’re full of beans and campy testosterone, let’s figure out how to cook some mean beans. Because baked beans are a staple breakfast food in the English world, due to their beany goodness. Rich in beans, baked beans use the power of ‘baking’ to bake the
when yor beans are baked af
beans to perfection, delivering you a final product we call ‘baked beans’. But if you’re like me and always just buy Watties or Oak (don’t buy the Pams or Home Brand, they’re shit), you can kinda get sick of them after a while.
So a long time ago (back in the good ol’ days), I started experimenting with adding cumin and chilli powder to baked beans, which spiced things up a little bit. But then I started currying them, by frying up potatoes in a rich blend of spices, then pouring in the beans. Chuck in some flatbreads and the end result is this:
So if you’re keen to do something like this, here’s a little recipe:
DOUGS SUPER AWESOME MEAN LEAN R18 BEANS (adults only)
1 teaspoon Cumin Seeds
2 teaspoons Cumin Powder
1 tablespoon Chia Seeds
3 – 4 Cayenne Peppers, deseeded
1 can of Watties / Oak Baked beans
1 tablespoon of Kale Oil
Crush the shit out of the cumin seeds and chia seeds in a mortar and pestle. Chuck it in the pan when the oil is boiling hot. Get to work chopping up the deseeded peppers and chuck them in. Every 30 seconds pour in a tablespoon of baked beans along with a sprinkle of cumin powder. Keep doing this until all the beans are frying away with the cumin. Serve with fresh thyme, rosemary and oregano and your choice of bread.
DOUG’S SUPER INDIAN CURRIED BAKED BEANS
This is where things get intense. I actually made a little video but got sick of recording as it was an extremely hot day and frankly I just wanted to hurry the fuck up and eat the beans. I don’t know how these food vloggers do it. Anyway, the recipe goes something like this:
1 teaspoon of cumin seeds
2 teaspoons of Cumin Powder
3 -4 cayenne peppers, deseeds
3 small kumaras
1 can of watties / oak baked beans
1 teaspoon of turmeric
1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
1/4 cup of coconut cream
1 can of watties baked beans
1 teaspoon of Garam Masala
2 tablespoons of Kale Oil
Crush the cumin seeds in a mortar and pestle, and chuck it in the pan with the hot oil. Peel the kumaras and heat them up for two minutes in the microwave. Then dice them up and chuck them in the pan.
After a few minutes, chuck in the cumin powder, turmeric and cinnamon. Let fry for a few minutes. Then chuck in the chilli peppers. Cook until all the oil is dried up and the potatoes and chillies have become caked with spices. Then add the baked beans, and let some of the sauce fry off before chucking in the coconut cream. Finally, add the garam masala and turn off the heat.
Serve with coriander and rotis or other flatbread.
Anyway, here’s some more baked bean meals:
Baked beans with tahini, parsley, chips, spinach, gluten-free toast and tomato sauce
Hash Browns with baked beams, spinach, nutritional yeast and wholegrain toast
Okay, I didn’t make this. It’s from the awesome cafe Mimosa – check it out! Tofu scramble, kumara bacon, guacamole, mushroom, baked beans and tomatoes
Tofu scramble with baked beans, mushroom, cherry tomatoes, gluten-free toast and ketchup
WELL, IT’S ‘BEAN’ A GOOD BLOG POST! I’LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT TIME! BYE BYE!
Look at the burrito above. LOOK AT IT. Also, look at my leg. Now go back to looking at the burrito. Keep looking at it and ask yourself this one important question:
Is this the greatest burrito ever created?
The answer is almost certainly, yes.
Or not. Depends who you ask. If you ask most people, they would probably say no. If you ask Doug Wingate, he might say yes. In fact, he would say yes.
Will you join the ranks of the silent minority who agrees that this is the greatest burrito ever? Well, exactly what makes a burrito great? Great like Alexander the Great, conquering eastern lands and raiding them of their treasures and women? What kind of burrito would do that? Can you even imagine a burrito, jewel encrusted, sitting comfortably on his throne, surrounded by servants and concubines? Would that kind of burrito be monogamous or polygamous?
We’re slightly digressing here, so I’ll get back to the subject of ‘greatness’, which can also be like the kinda greatness you get with a movie, like ‘Rogue One was the greatest movie’, or ‘I will build a wall, it will be a great wall.’ What makes a Great Wall actually ‘Great’? If you went back in time and got in a furious argument with a Chinese overseer, he might tell you it’s a great wall because it’s so big, but then you remind him that the wall is not big, rather, just very long. ‘The Long Wall of China’ doesn’t sound as exciting. I hope Donald Trump builds his wall rediculously high. Just stupidly high, beyond all reasoning. Like 100 meters. That way Mexicans can never export their burritos to the United States ever again.
Oh wait, that sounds awful.
‘Sure, everyone hates Mexicans. Until you want a burrito.’ – Mexican proverb
Okay, that was a bit rough, but not as insulting as illustrator MoreVector on Shutterstock. Just look at the way he basically summarised all Mexican cuisine into three categories:
It’s literally all they eat.
But then I realise I’m not actually suggesting my burrito is great, but rather, the best, which is also open to interpretation. I’m not suggesting my burrito tastes the best, rather that it simply is the best. For example, we can all agree that R2-D2 is better than Jar-Jar Binks, but would he taste better? Probably not. To be fair – and as a vegan it pains me to say this, but Jar-Jar Binks would almost certainly taste better. He’s kind of like a fish, and fish is probably the only meat that I think tastes good.
DISCLAIMER: yes, fish is a meat, and yes, I do not eat fishes, largely because (a) it’s an animal and (b) fish smells like rotten genitalia, but yes, I think fish tastes good.
Robots on the other hand, not so much. To give them credit, eating robots is vegan, but I will respectfully pass. I am pretty sure that when robo-pigs, cowbots and lambots starting taking over their organic counterparts, I will still happily pass on a synth-steak or other mechanical meats.
And if I ate R2 D2 everone would hate me. Whereas if I ate Jar-Jar people would just think I’m gross, but congratulate me at the same time. Here’s a video of a Cockatiel eating a keyboard:
Just slightly digressing here, so I’ll get back to the burrito, which I made this morning as literally second breakfast. My first breakfast was a kiwifruit, chia and cacao smoothie, which was like my ‘omg gonna work hard today on a half empty stomach, powered by the power of powerful plant power’ breakfast, and once it’s done i’m like ‘STILL HUNGRY’, but alas, I haven’t any starch! I need precious, precious starch to quickly fill up my stomach! Oh what is a boy to do?
But DEUS EX MACHINA, I realise to my excitement that I have burrito wraps in my freezer! I instantly begin cooking a fucked-up good burrito, and if I can remember correctly, here is the recipe:
For the ‘juicy meat center’
Juicy and delicious. The food looks good too.
TSP meat (I used 1/2 a packet of Blissful Lamb Tenderloins)
What’s for dinner? Who’s asking? Am I asking myself? Does anybody really care? Are you truly, actually interested in what I had for dinner? If so I’m flattered! Well, I’d be more flattered if it was my own cooking, and then you’d be like ‘wow, you’re such a good cook, Doug, marry me’, and I’d be like ‘well, okay,’ rather than if i’m just taking photos of someone else’s food, and you’re like ‘wow, doug, you pick all the best restaurants, marry me,‘ and I’m like ‘well, okay’ and the rest they say is history.
Introductions aside, I went to Saturday’s Hare Krishna Food Festival in the Kumeu region of Western Auckland. Oh how had I had been neglecting my social life for a week or so in favour of other activities such as watching paint dry and shouting at my curtains. So I thought if im gonna make up for it I might as well socialise over plates full of hare krishna food, because generally im more sociable if im eating or drinking coffee. Or alcohol. Or all three at the same time. The trope goes that when westerners think of Hare Krishna, the following things come to mind:
Cheap Indian Food
Well, turns out, a lot of Hare Krishna people like to poke fun at this, and call themselves ‘the kitchen religion’. I haven’t any interest in religion or spirituality, but eating out for cheap is one thing Auckland desperately needs so Hare Krishna helps out with that big time. Check out Mukunda’s on K road. They do a mean vegan curry! BUT THAT”S ANOTHER STORY. (see I used ” instead of ‘ not because of shift key but because so dramatic)
Let’s face it, who doesn’t love food? Aside from people with eatings disorders. Where was I going with this? Oh, okay, turns out there’s a whole bunch of people who don’t like eating. No, they’re not anorexic or bulimic or anything – they simply do not like eating. There’s stuff you can read on the internet about it. READ IT. But dont stop reading my blog! ill miss you 😦
For all the rest of us who do like food, Hare Krishna is good cos they do exactly that. The first meal we got was this Asian Tofu Salad, SEE BLOW FOR ASIAN TOFU SALAD – which was pretty boring but it had cashews which made it more interesting. All the cashews gathered at the bottom so the reward for going through the whole thing was a big tasty spoonful of cashews. I can live with that! I could probably live ON cashews too. But I wont. Simply because of the price. Otherwise I would.
Asian tofu salad and somebody’s feet. Judging by his feet he must be pretty handsome
After that we noticed one food stall had a perpetually huge line, so with my sheep mentality I flocked towards that line because thats what I do, I just go with what everyone
else is doing. It was a really hot day standing in that line which had to be about a hundred people, so fortunately I had a pina colada. Anyways I got this Masala Dosa with a big range of chutneys.
I liked the random ‘Yea baby!’ I really need to start including that expression in my vocabulary more often. ‘Time to take out the rubbish. YEAH BABY!’
Preparing our Masala Dosa
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOURE ALL OUT OF FUSINO DOSA oh wait I see what you mean
Masala Dosa and four types of chutney, left, Samosas in Tamarind sauce, right, and a cool pair of funky shades belonging to somebody who obviously has a great taste in shades. Whoever he is, he sounds handsome
I also got some vada sambar and a samosa. They gave me an extra samosa, which was cool because I had waited so long, and they also happened to be the best samosas I’ve ever tried. The tamarind sauce was great as well.
Vada Sambar and Samosas! Need a name for that hand, looks like it belongs to a handsome guy. Police! Help! There’s a handsome guy’s hand on my Vada Sambar! Oh wait, never mind, it’s only my hand.
So Im full as and just decided to walk it off and explore for a little bit. The property is really beautiful, but the highlight is the Alpacas!
Even the Alpacas meditate
Now, the Alpaca was fucking awesome, but Overall the Hare Krishna festival… kinda let us down in the end. First, it felt less like a festival and more like just a general food gathering. There were only about 6 food
Pasta dishes that looked delicious but fortunately were nor vegan pastas. I had a massive pasta craving by this point so FML. Pastapasta
stands, and only one sold all the Indian food we liked, which explains the huge wait time. I mean, when we think of Hare Krishna we think of affordable, mildly flavoured Indian food.But a lot of the food being sold was things like pizza, pasta and noodles. I was expecting lots more music, dancing, face painting and that kinda stuff. But we were all kinda sitting thtere thinking ‘this is it?’
To give them credit, it seems like the first food festival that particular group has organised in that area, so I’m assuming they were very tentative about the whole thing, and will probably to make it a lot more exciting and fun for all next time. My main plea for next time: give the kids something to do aside from playgrounds and bouncy castles (where was the face painting at?) and secondly, more Indian food!
Hare Krishna Food Festival, Kumeu, Auckland 28 Jan 2017
Here’s a very special, tasty curry I’m so happy to share. If you’re in Auckland, I can tell you where to get the ingredients, too!
The backstory to this curry is pretty simple. I had gone on a 2 month hiatus from making curries because… I was getting bored!
Yes, bored of curries. WHAT. WHO EVEN AM I. It’s a perversion. Curry by its nature is about… constant and never ending variation! Cooking a curry is a special time where I get to be a mad scientist chucking fucked-up herbs and spices into a pot and laughing maniacally:
‘No, son! No mortal man can possibly eat that many cardomom pods!’
‘If you eat that curry, you will literally DIE.’
‘I put a ghost chilli in the curry.’
You put a ghost chilli in the curry? Are you nuts? A whole ghost chilli pepper?
‘No, I mean a whole ghost chilli plant, leaves and all.’
‘Did you put drugs in this curry?
‘No, that’s just the chillies. And the drugs. Oh wait, I did put in some drugs!’
Pictured above: the face of pure, unrefined evil. Wait, but at least it’s unrefined right? Unlike damn Olive Oil. Bah!
Alas, things stopped being so interesting. I found myself doing the same ‘sautee onions and garlic in spices, tomatoes coconut cream’ over and over and over. I wanted something different. Basically every curry was the same Aloo Dum, like this, which is delicious and I highly recommend, but as I said, a bad habit we can fall into is making the same curry over and over again without variation.
But then we noticed I had a beetroot in my fridge from ages ago. It amazed me how long those things can last. It’s a real example of the power of taproot vegetables!
So I googled ‘beetroot lamb curry” and clicked into this link. And I followed the recipe to the dot. – besides these changes:
Replacing 750 grams of real baby sheep leg with 200 grams of TVP fake lamb tenderloin like a BOSS.
Replaced the plain yoghurt with this coconut yoghurt like a BOSS.
Replaced the ghee with margarine like a CHAMP
Finally, I didn’t boil the beetroot, instead just grated it and chucked it in the nutri-bullet like a GANGSTER.
So here’s a comparison picture of the original curry vs my vegan counterpart:
The website picture…
So after a 2 month hiatus off curries, I came back with a bang! This was a total success. Probably the best curry I’ve ever made. If Donald Trump tried this curry he’d probably use words like “tremendous” and “terrific” to describe it. I give thanks to the easy to veganise recipe which really encouraged me to deviate from the usual. It’s the complete opposite of my usual curry – it’s meaty, creamy and fatty and delicious. It gave me that sweet, sweet heartburn. But it’s also vegan. Give it a go!
By the way, if you’re looking for an interesting and exciting take on an Aloo Dum curry, try this recipe or DIE.
I mean DIET. If you’re not gonna eat these tasty curries you might as well go on a diet.
Anyway, since you were so patient reading this whole article, here’s some awesome curry-related content to share with you: