Vegan Food Fair, Auckland 2017

Doug's World


Do you like these things? If not, there’s probably something extremely wrong with you. Most likely, you’re a ghost wandering the earth, lost and disoriented because you haven’t made amends with Allah or Buddha or whoever. Go away.

Now, back to living people. If you like those 3 F’s (yes, there is a 4th F but I won’t go into that), then the Vegan Food Fair is the place for YOU

The mighty vegan food fair took place in the city of Auckland, last week. I suppose it is kinda late because it happened on Sunday, but better late than never as they say.

I should start by saying what makes this food fair so great – it is huge! Huge by New Zealand standards. Huge by Donald Trump standards! Are you a sleazy whore with no standards? Then it’s probably still huge.

Standard is an understatement, because this food fair is no STANDARD food fair. In fact, it’s a VEGAN food fair. In fact, I was working the fair at the gates, selling tickets. In fact, when random passers-by came to ask what the commotion was, I proudly declared that this is the biggest food fair of the whole year in NZ, and they were missing out if they didn’t go. In fact, I didn’t even mention that it was vegan. Because, why? It doesn’t matter that it’s vegan, the fact is, the food is delicious, and if you enter the fair you’re a cool cat who I want attack.

That’s a fact.

Well, I might attack you anyway, but that’s beside the point.

The point is, I volunteered at the vegan food fair, and the whole thing was a big blurry haze of eating and working, eating and working. At one point I’m munching on a PYRONI PIE (om nom), at the next point I’m pointing pointy steel barriers and trying not to drop them on little innocent children.


That’s okay, as long as them children are vegan they’ll have the necessary fortitude to withstand dropping big heavy weights on top of them. My job should be hurling things at kids. I suspect it would pay well.

The Vegan Food Fair was not just a food fair. It was also a place of live music, yoga, clothing, health products and more. Except I think if they called it the Vegan Food, Music, Yoga, Clothing and Health Fair, it would sound a bit much. ‘man, I can’t handle that much CONTENT in one day’. ‘Come, there will be food’, is a lot more appetising. Everyone loves food, but many people passionately hate Yoga. I think. ‘Jus’ had a fuckin yoga session, where the fuck is my inner god damn peace? Fuck this shit!’ 

Besides, if it was called the Vegan Food, Music, Yoga, Clothing and Health Fair, it would be a lot to fit on these snazzy t-shirts we wore.


Not only did the Vegan Food, Music, Yoga, Clothing and Health Fair include vegan food, music, yoga, clothing and health, it also included legendary Australian rapper James Aspey, who sailed here to New Zealand on the back of a crocodile he turned docile with his rugged good looks and charming smile. He calls it his cro-docile.

I didn’t ‘meat’ James Aspey myself, mainly because I hadn’t done any research on him. All I knew was that he was famous, Australian, vegan and an animal rights activist. I wouldn’t know how to start conversation. ‘So, you’re a vegan aye? An Australian vegan yeah? Yeah, haha, guess no shrimps on the barbie for you aye? No kangaroo tacos for you?’ That last one is not a joke, Kangaroo Tacos is an actual thing they do in Australia, not the bacteria-ridden dinner of some Mad Max villain.


The chalk wall by the end of the day

Overall, I’ll give this food fair my rating of 50 thumbs up. The food was delicious, the atmosphere was delicious, and the people were delicious – maybe could’ve done with a bit more salt and paprika, but they were still tender and well cooked. Let’s hope we get another food fair come 2018!!!! Until then, let’s get wasted!


The volunteer crew! That’s me in the centre with the tartan and red and orange undershirts, looking like a weird mix between the drunken Scotsman that I am and the Latino Gangster that I aspire to be. Veganism FTW! Photo courtesy Daniel Ariyani, the awesome dude who helped organise this wicked event