Attention everybody, give me your money. I’ve been poisoned! I know what you’re thinking – “holy shit!” Yes, but calm down for a second and ask: How did I get from writing a blog to here? All… poisoned, and shit? Well, it’s a long story, so let me begin at the… beginning:
The basic reason I started this blog is to share my wonderful experiences and ideas after ditching meat, and ultimately other animal products, from my diet. Whenever some new idea or thought comes to my head, I just wanna share, share, share, however, people obviously don’t always want to hear my ramblings, so Ive delegated it to a blog. This blog. I also get to share inspirational quotes:
‘When there is a flowering, it is your duty to share it with the world.’ – Elliot Hulse
And here’s another one I read recently that I quite like…
That’s good. I love Oscar Wilde and his mad dress style. But it’s just not inspirational, damn it! We need more inspirational quotes!
Nice! Thanks Steve! I feel inspired. Inspired to keep writing about my wonderful experiences. For example, my most recent wonderful experience has been food poisoning! which is why I haven’t posted in a while. Well, I could have. It shouldn’t really stop me from making posts. But I’m so opportunistic! I see an opportunity to not do anything and I GRAB it. What a go-getter am I!
My first thought, and basically everyone’s thought, my boss included, was ‘how the heck does a vegan get food poisoning?’ Which is what I’m keen to find out, and is why I’m making this post.
How the flippin’ f*ck did it happen?
Sorry about my poor censoring skills. You can probably guess which letter lies beneath that *asterix. It doesn’t exactly leave a lot to the imagination. Anyway, first of all, it’s important to say that vegans are still at risk of food poisoning. I expected it would pain me to say that, it’s something I’d like to be able to gloat about, but the facts are the facts. Although UK studies say poultry is the most common cause of food poisoning (salmonella, no shit. You’d think considering the name, Salmon would cause Salmonella?) However, poisoning by fruits and vegetables is still very high. But that shouldn’t make us sad about it! Considering meat is cooked and fruits are usually eaten raw, this should only make sense that the rights are quite high. Anything cooked kills off bacteria. But if meat-eaters didn’t have the privilege of nuking all of their cuts, It’d be interesting to see how quickly those stats change! MWAHAHA! I WOULD SUSPECT THAT THEY WOULD BE VERY QUICK INDEED!
Still, it is true that vegans are less likely to respond to the effects of food poisoning, simply because it’s my belief that we have better immune systems. I haven’t gotten a “cold” in three years, and I’ve been vegetarian for about… wait for it! Three years!
However, the chance of us being exposed to something that causes us food poisoning is probably about the same.
So I got sick quite quickly after chomping down a few ‘Vegie Delights’ Hot Dogs. I think that maybe I didn’t cook them enough, or that they needed to be frozen. Anyway, later that night I threw up. The next day, I didn’t feel like eating all day, until later that night I had some Linda McCartney country style pies.
These pies weren’t particularly good. Fry’s is a lot better. But needless to say, I threw them up, too. Mainly because I was sick, not because they were bad pies. Or maybe? Just kidding, but not really. Although kinda!
Then the incontinence came in. Sexy, sexy incontinence. Shitting your pants and throwing up twice is not the best way to begin your new year with your new flat! But eh, first world problems. At least I’m not vomiting up my own blood like some Ebola third world situation. Oh wait, apparently you can *crap* your own blood from food poisoning, but fortunately it never got to that stage. Basically I hate bleeding from weird places. I don’t mind getting cut and bleeding, but the thought of blood coming out of my mouth or other areas just… freaks me out.
But anyway, it was definitely food poisoning. Vomiting, nausea, weakness, incontinence, loss of appetite. Oh my god, loss of appetite! I had been so excited for cooking for my new flatmates, but if the thought of eating is enough to make me sick, the thought of cooking isn’t too exciting either. They say ‘don’t go shopping when youre hungry’. (‘HAW HAW HAW!’) Well, here’s my advice: don’t go cooking when your hungry, either. And don’t go cooking when you’re sick from food poisoning.
Generally you don’t want to have too much appetite or not enough, because either way you’ll cook something awful. Is that why gay guys make good hairdressers for girls? They’re not thinking ‘this looks sexy’, they’re thinking ‘this just looks good’. I know me. I don’t want healthy, or ‘booming with elegant flavours and subtle hints’. I want salt, sugar, carbohydrates and SATURATED FAT. Pasta no good? Needs more of one of those four.
God, having no appetite sucked. Any food that I had was forced. I basically lived on water, lemon juice, green tea. Wait, that’s probably a lot healthier and nutritious than what I was eating previously. I should get food poisoning more often! Ha ha, but not really, or am I really? Who knows!
So, tomorrow I’m gonna post a… post…. on how a vegan can get food poisoning and THEN, what to DO about it. Why not go out and get food poisoning, just so you can use my handy tricks? Go on! Why not! You only live once! Unless you get food poisoning and die. Then you live like.. half. If you’re young. Don’t die! I need the readers!
Tune in tomorrow for more oily, green Kale action!