8 Things Vegans Need to Stop Doing

Joe's Bloody Good Opinion
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Special guest contributor Joe Bloggs

I didn’t always have a turtleneck addiction. Sure, I like the way they feel. But that’s not why I wear them. I wear them because I bloody well need to wear them. For protection. Protection from whom? Yeap, you guess it – Vegans.

Vegans are actually vampires – they suck blood. That’s the only way they get their Iron – mooching off hard-working, iron-blooded meat eaters such as myself, like some sort of dole-bludger cashing his latest welfare cheque. I remember sleeping with this vegan lady, I woke up with bite marks, and later found out she had turned into a bat and flown out of the window.

I didn’t tell my wife – as if she’d believe me. Instead, I made a pact to myself to kill every bat I see. I’ve actually begun eating bats. In hopes that one of them is her. I go into caves with my assault rifle, mow them down, gather them up and cook them in a stew.

But raising a vampire army is only the very beginning of the unacceptable behaviors adopted by these high-and-mighty freedom fighters. So I’ve composed a list of all the things vegans need to stop doing instantly before their crazy cult destroys us all.

Being Vegan

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My so-called “Mum” eating vegan food. What a joke!

What actually is a vegan? I don’t even know, and I’m pretty sure they don’t know either. All I know is that they don’t eat meat. And the only people I know who don’t eat meat are turtles. And you know where turtles belong? On islands. I heard stories that vegans don’t have jobs because it’s against their religion. Sounds dodgy to me. Whatever veganism is, people need to stop being vegan.

I tried being vegan once, but look at the disastrous results. Never again am I touching that diet. Look at my journey:

There you have it, the harrowing story of my battle with veganism. But there’s plenty of more people like me out there. Possibly you? Don’t let those vegans fool you with their tricks.

Telling me how to live my life

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Me showing off my canines

The other day I was enjoying my favourite dish – bacon, chicken and lamb burger with fish sauce and beef bun (cut from meatloaf) when this vegan walks past.

I politely ask him where the fuck he gets his protein, and it seems like that’s the queue for him to start shoving all this bullshit down my throat about beans, rice, and all this other shit I’ve never heard of. What a jerk. Why the hell won’t he leave me alone?

The things vegans need to understand is that everyone hates them. Even vegans hate vegans. Everyone is talking about them behind their backs. Especially me. Mostly me. I talk about them so much that it basically makes up for everyone. In a way, I am everybody, because I represent the views of the silent majority fed up with all this vegan nonsense.

Asking for vegans options

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Look at all the effort these poor restaurantiers had to go through to cater to these ‘vegans’. Looks like a bunch of grass to me.

Vegans need to realise that when you enter a restaurant or other food dispensing business, you are participating in a social activity, and nothing creates a horrible, awkward situation like someone asking for vegan options.

Do you realise what happens when you go up and ask for a vegan option? Do you know how uncomfortable that makes everybody? Bet you didn’t think about that. Here’s this poor cashier probably working 90 hours a week for less than minimum wage because all of our jobs have been stolen by Mexico and hard-working yet dishonest Phillipines people and now this crazy vegan comes up and starts picking fights. I hear the things vegans say. They say stuff like:

  • Give me vegan options or i’ll shoot you with my gun. *pulls out gun*
  • Give me vegan options or i’ll blow up this restaurant with this bomb. *pulls out bomb*
  • Give me vegan options or i’ll blow up this entire city with this long range stealth-equipped nuclear missile. *pulls out long-range stealth equipped nuclear missile*

When will the madness end? How far is too far for these vegans?

In my opinion, this is not good enough. My Dad fought in World War 1, World War 2 and Vietnam in order to keep this country safe from crazy Mexicans like vegans. I don’t even feel like I live in this country anymore. And it’s a shame. Especially when vegans are constantly…

Stealing my food

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Here I was just enjoying my favourite  duck, turtle and elephant soup with gorilla tongue, when this vegan picks it up and runs away with it! The truth is he can’t resist the temptation to steal. A study showed that most vegans are actually thieves.

I politely ask him to return my burger but he just pulls out his Ghost Pepper Spray and sprays my face.

Fortunately since I eat meat, I’m immune to the blinding effects, so I begin to chase him around the building. I tackle him to the ground and end up choking him around the neck. 20 minutes later, the doctor is wheeling him away and says some bullshit about him being “deceased,” like I fucking know what the word means. and now I’m the bad guy. I can’t even tell you, politically correct nonsense like this happens all the time, if you let them. So I learned my lesson not to be polite with these guys, or they’ll steal your food and your freedom. Speaking of freedom, the thing that vegans really need to stop doing is…

Being Communists

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Commies are everywhere. You gotta keep an eye out at all times.

We can all agree basically that vegans are communists. Possibly nazi communists.

Did you know hitler was a vegetarian? Apparently vegans are atheists, and atheists worship Stalin.

Makes sense, I guess. Hannibal Lecter was a vegan, aside from eating humans. And he kinda looked like a Nazi. Coincidence? I think not. Speaking of eating people, I really wish vegans would stop…

Eating People

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Stu Stew, anyone? How about some Barry Burritos or Bernie Burgers?

I can’t stress this one lesson enough with vegans, who just don’t seem to realise: People are people too. Just because they’re not animals, therefore not technically “animal protein”, doesn’t mean you can go around eating them.

Because believe me, they do. How do I know? Well, if they don’t eat animals, then where do you think they get their protein? That’s right, your Uncle Phil, the Joneseses down the road and that cute assistant at work you’ve been gathering up the courage to ask out on a date. That’s right. Vegans ate them all. I’m pretty sure a vegan is eating me right now. Something is chewing on my toe. It’s either a spider or a vegan. Either way I’m getting my gun.

Being Spiritual

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I hate all things spiritual. I don’t have a spirit, nor do I want one. I hate it when people are in ‘high spirits’, I’m like, take your spirits somewhere else. The only spirit I like is that found in a 1 litre bottle that I purchase for 40 bucks at a shop owned by Korean people.

To be perfectly honest, there’s no room for spirituality in the 21st century. I catch the cold, pee soaked train at 5 o clock in the morning and it takes me 2 hours to get to work at my terrible job. And you know what? I love it. Sometimes I pee in the train just to keep the smell alive. I’m bloody proud of it.

The last thing I need is some bloody spiritual loony lefty telling me how I can change my life. I don’t need to change. The whole worlds needs to change to my liking. Everybody is stupid and crazy except for me – the only sane person in the entire world. That’s why I write all these powerful opinion pieces. Because I’m the voice of reason in a world of madness, exposing all the horrible things vegans do, like…

Wearing Candy Canes as Earrings

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I’m not just saying this because it’s against my religion, but I find the whole practice of wearing candy canes as earrings to be utterly disgusting.

First of all, God created candy canes to be eaten, not worn. I say the same thing about edible underwear, but did she listen? No. The truth is, what is the world coming to when the things we like to eat are instead found on people’s ears? What I do with my dog and my peanut butter is my business, but when you start walking down the street, or going to clubs wearing candy canes as earrings, what are people going to do? Do you expect a girl to go up to you and eat your candy cane earrings off? Since when has a girl ever offered to nibble on a guy’s ear?

Not under my watch, anyway. I’ll have none of that nonsense. If my so-called “wife” did that to me, I’d kung-fu chop her face in half. All this candy cane communist hippie lunacy needs to go.

Finally, here’s the last thing vegans need to stop doing:

Blowing up Hospitals

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Did you ever watch the film The Dark Knight? Based on a true story, the hero of the film is a smooth talking guy called The Joker, whom, incidentally, ends up blowing up a hospital.

Well, I have some news for you – Joker was a vegan. All the signs point to this obvious truth. For example, did you ever actually see Joker eat meat?

Exactly.

And ever wondered why his face is so pale and his lips are so red? That’s because of dreaded iron deficiency caused by lack of steak, which is the worlds’ only source of iron. His hair is green because that’s what happens when you eat too many vegetables. And he bites his lip because he’s so hungry for the meat forbidden by his religion of veganism. What a jerk!

However, there is one thing I have in common with The Joker – his insatiable desire to kill bats. I can finally relate to him. On that note, I’m going to get my grenades and go bat-hunting.

And no darned vegan is gonna stop me.

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