Look at the burrito above. LOOK AT IT. Also, look at my leg. Now go back to looking at the burrito. Keep looking at it and ask yourself this one important question:
Is this the greatest burrito ever created?
The answer is almost certainly, yes.
Or not. Depends who you ask. If you ask most people, they would probably say no. If you ask Doug Wingate, he might say yes. In fact, he would say yes.
Will you join the ranks of the silent minority who agrees that this is the greatest burrito ever? Well, exactly what makes a burrito great? Great like Alexander the Great, conquering eastern lands and raiding them of their treasures and women? What kind of burrito would do that? Can you even imagine a burrito, jewel encrusted, sitting comfortably on his throne, surrounded by servants and concubines? Would that kind of burrito be monogamous or polygamous?
We’re slightly digressing here, so I’ll get back to the subject of ‘greatness’, which can also be like the kinda greatness you get with a movie, like ‘Rogue One was the greatest movie’, or ‘I will build a wall, it will be a great wall.’ What makes a Great Wall actually ‘Great’? If you went back in time and got in a furious argument with a Chinese overseer, he might tell you it’s a great wall because it’s so big, but then you remind him that the wall is not big, rather, just very long. ‘The Long Wall of China’ doesn’t sound as exciting. I hope Donald Trump builds his wall rediculously high. Just stupidly high, beyond all reasoning. Like 100 meters. That way Mexicans can never export their burritos to the United States ever again.
Oh wait, that sounds awful.
‘Sure, everyone hates Mexicans. Until you want a burrito.’ – Mexican proverb
Okay, that was a bit rough, but not as insulting as illustrator MoreVector on Shutterstock. Just look at the way he basically summarised all Mexican cuisine into three categories:
But then I realise I’m not actually suggesting my burrito is great, but rather, the best, which is also open to interpretation. I’m not suggesting my burrito tastes the best, rather that it simply is the best. For example, we can all agree that R2-D2 is better than Jar-Jar Binks, but would he taste better? Probably not. To be fair – and as a vegan it pains me to say this, but Jar-Jar Binks would almost certainly taste better. He’s kind of like a fish, and fish is probably the only meat that I think tastes good.
DISCLAIMER: yes, fish is a meat, and yes, I do not eat fishes, largely because (a) it’s an animal and (b) fish smells like rotten genitalia, but yes, I think fish tastes good.
Robots on the other hand, not so much. To give them credit, eating robots is vegan, but I will respectfully pass. I am pretty sure that when robo-pigs, cowbots and lambots starting taking over their organic counterparts, I will still happily pass on a synth-steak or other mechanical meats.
And if I ate R2 D2 everone would hate me. Whereas if I ate Jar-Jar people would just think I’m gross, but congratulate me at the same time. Here’s a video of a Cockatiel eating a keyboard:
Just slightly digressing here, so I’ll get back to the burrito, which I made this morning as literally second breakfast. My first breakfast was a kiwifruit, chia and cacao smoothie, which was like my ‘omg gonna work hard today on a half empty stomach, powered by the power of powerful plant power’ breakfast, and once it’s done i’m like ‘STILL HUNGRY’, but alas, I haven’t any starch! I need precious, precious starch to quickly fill up my stomach! Oh what is a boy to do?
But DEUS EX MACHINA, I realise to my excitement that I have burrito wraps in my freezer! I instantly begin cooking a fucked-up good burrito, and if I can remember correctly, here is the recipe:
For the ‘juicy meat center’
- TSP meat (I used 1/2 a packet of Blissful Lamb Tenderloins)
- 1/4 can of baked beans
- 2 small ceyenne peppers
- 1 teaspoon of cumin seeds
- 1 1/2 teaspoon cumin powder
For the burrito
- 1 x Farrah’s burrito wrap
- Smoked Garlic Hummus
- A handful of spinach
- 2 tsp coriander
- 1 tsp of thyme
- 6-7 oregano leaves
- 1 tablespoon of Bragg’s Nutritional Yeast
- 1 tablespoon of tahini